hmm

Baby wombats are some of the cutest critters I've seen. I kind of wish I were at the marsupial rescue center somewhere in Australia, nurturing weird furry orphan creatures...I'd really like to be anywhere else right now.

It's not unpleasant here, really. It's just vastly different from being at home and from the routine of high school that I had become so accustomed to. I suppose I'm still adjusting, still figuring out how things work and how to become self sufficient. I've been feeling dissatisfied, a feeling I'm pretty used to. It's a restlessness that seems permanent, and I can't figure out how to keep myself occupied and happy. I have friends whom I love, weekly meetings of the UNC-W Pride group, trips to the Gypsy and other downtown venues, and a genuine interest in most of my classes. Lounging in my lofted bed, nestled in blankets and browsing the internet and watching TV has been my activity of choice (or necessity) lately, though. It's pretty detrimental to my emotional well-being, I fear. All I can do is wish and want and need and mope. Old habits die hard. I can't stop thinking about what used to be, what I used to have, or what I wish I had. I am so lucky, I know that. So many people don't have the opportunities that I do...I am so fortunate. I am very lucky. So why do I feel this perpetual dissatisfaction? I feel so guilty for feeling this way, yet I can't deny it.

I wonder why I've felt this strong yearning for Her lately. It's likely I yearn for the stability, the comfort, and the security that I felt with her. I long for the kind of relationship that we had. That we had. I don't know why it's so difficult for me to comprehend the importance of the tense of that sentence. Past tense. Had. I'll get it eventually I guess.

Anyway.

I need to meet M. for lunch at Wag before going down to Holden for the afternoon. Later I need to write another poem, which I'm looking forward to. Completing my CRW assignments lately has been a pretty great routine. Mmm. :D

More later, perhaps.

Best,

S-