ess ay ee arr. <3

Have you even suddenly been filled with doubt?
Opened your eyes and given you head a prompt little shake to clear you mind, only to stop midway and think, "What the hell is going on in my life?"

I am so unbelievably angry right now. I don't know what to do or say or think or feel.
I hate being this upset.
I hate it so much. I feel so hurt and alone and really it's because I'm never satisfied and I push people away so they can't get close enough to hurt me. I'm tired of everything. And fuck it, I am so tried of crying.
It's ruining my complexion.

Me? Do you want to know me? Well, I'm Susannah. I'm a "backstabbing, motherfucking, ass-raping, happiness-sucking, plain, old bitch." You'd get "more out of talking to a comatose patient" than talking to me. All I spew is "bullshit." Why do I even bother talking?

-S

Tip of the Andes

This calls for a pot of coffee, be it 1:47am or not.

I don't care to explain

May you feel much better than I do.
S-

Strangely Enough,

I had an extremely difficult time sleeping last night.
I was certain falling asleep would be no trouble, for I was very tired. I bedded down and finished my novel (Peter by Kate Walker. Highly recommended.), but sleep never came. I lied awake, tossing and turning. Finally, after realizing that simply lying there was useless, I got out of bed, wandered the house, prepared a warm cup of almond milk and settled in front of the TV to watch hour upon hour of Platinum Weddings on WeTV. The show tells of random wealthy couple who lay down more than my entire house is worth on one wedding day. $65,000 tab for drinks alone? Yeah. $14,00 wedding dress? Nothing less! $250,000 engagement ring? You bet. It was slightly sickening, but entertaining I must admit.

I finally drifted off in front of the TV around 4:30am. Now it is far too early and my head is pounding from much too little sleep. I do find happiness is the fact that Alex will be here shortly to come to the beach with us, which I am very excited about. Also, last night was filled with wonderful conversations and good coffee.

Be well,
S-

Intense

Today we drove up from Holden so Emily and I could attend fashion show rehearsal in Raleigh.
It felt nice to be back in my element, so to speak. Bass pumping, beat thumping...sorrounded by frail, lofty girls with razor sharp hipbones jutting from beneath their paper-thin cotton ensembles. To hear the familiar click of so many sky high stilettos and feel my hips sway with familiarity to the beat of the music...
This was our first rehearsal for this particular show, but the whole thing is shaping up very nicely and I am very, very excited. The show is scheduled for August 1st through 3rd at Cary Towne Center mall in Cary. I hope some of you will be interested in attending; I would love any and all support. <3

Now, sitting alone watching the cloudy gray sky, I feel much less at home, even though that is precisely where I am. Sean is away in distant lands, Jolie has not returned my calls, Neal is occupied with his Nicaragua-trip-reunion pals and seemed annoyed by my call, and even a call to Meg yielded only the voice mail. I suppose I will continue to lounge around the house, reading and scheduling college visits and otherwise idly occupying my time.

I hope you all are well.
With all due respect,
S-

Bikini tops and pajama bottoms

Summer has really begun to settle in now..

Meg had to leave by bus Thursday, and I miss her very much. Her visit was a wonderful way to kick off summer here in Holden Beach.

My days since her departure have been occupied with sleeping late, occasional trips to Shallotte to stock up at the library, watching films, and working evenings at The Scoop. Melissa and I have gotten to know our coworkers a bit, and they all are nice enough. I stay entertained sampling our wares and making fun of Drew's heavy Eastern North Carolina drawl.

As I write this, Lily lies curled up on my tummy, convinced she is not in my way. I haven't the heart to tell her otherwise.

I wish all of you the best wherever your summer takes you.
S-

Not to complain, ocean eyes

Summer has been nice so far
More than nice, really.
Wonderful?

I haven't time for much of an update; dial-up is pointless and when a once-in-a-lifetime fast access opportunity arises, I rarely have time to blog anyhow.

Good thing she looks pretty
Eyes welling with tears, cheeks flushed and lips plump with emotion and hurt

Good thing she's heard the words over and over
Slut
or else it might be upsetting

Good thing she likes to sleep
Sometimes shutting the world out with the soft coma of sleep is the only way



EMOLICIOUS.
<3
Sunny beach days and cheery phone calls'll get me through.

the taste of strong, cheap coffee is still on my tongue
and my head aches dully from the night's events

a night never to be forgotten

cloudy moonlight
teasing summer breeze
rocky pavement beneath us
a moment captured forever
will my memory serve?



I never want to forget tonight.

Footprints

Home from a long day, blogging seems like the perfect way to unwind. Enjoy [?]

There really is a lot to say, a lot to be said, a lot I wish I could say, a lot my meager vocabulary couldn't do justice. My real journal has somehow disappeared, and I find I miss documenting the little intricacies of my life in great detail...however, doing so online is likely not a good idea. Perhaps it's time to invest in a pretty new journal. Vamos a ver.

I'm not sure how I feel about my previous stream of consciousness/poetry entry. I found it there after...a long day. Interesting, to say the least. It's actually pretty insightful if you know me well.

i find myself happy these days
Smiling comes so easily
now
I wake without dread.
i remember like yesterday
the cold mornings, my mind in the cloudy state between sleep and wakefulness,
waiting to open my eyes and remember why the first thing I felt each morning was a nagging pain in the pit of my stomach
reminding me
;

Exams began today. H. English III and Spanish III.
Extended lunch. Tall iced coffees, quiet chatter, and amazing company.
and hearts semi colon.