speechless?

i'll try to write about everything soon.

i am so thankful; i am so fortunate

you've gotta spend some time, love

strange.
i am no longer able to properly discern the difference between reality and fantasy. everything is simply a blurred line between the both.
i stood on the lawn, taking long, calming drags from a bummed cigarette.
reality seemed unimportant/
isn't it?
the wind whipped around me and i felt the chilly onset of autumn
oh, ilove her so.
i shuffled my feet and watched the cigarette burn, feigning sanity


Everybody leaves, so why, why wouldn't you?

nobody knows me at all

I don't know who to write to anymore, so I'll write to myself. For myself. I do everything for myself, don't I? Yes...
I look for myself. I love for myself. I want and desire and cry for myself.
Maybe they were all right...it's increasingly likely.

I had a very odd afternoon/evening/night. I met up with him. We drove and talked and spent entirely too much time together. I spent the remaining hours wondering what the hell had happened.

More later.

Opinions

S- yeah except now I don't have to worry about you flirting your ass off with every single guy who approaches you
S- which probably still happens
S- because, truth is
S- and scolnick was completely right on this one
S- you are a slut, susannah

Stand Clear of the Closing Doors, Please

I sat down intending to actually do my Lit. homework, but after realizing I left my copy of Portrait in the Lincoln and that it would be impossible to even attempt the work without the book, I turned up Lil Wayne and decided to blog instead.

Today was strangely fantastic. Tensions are running high here around the house, but I'm surviving. I woke up early-ish, and drove with Mel into town. We got some over priced coffee at Open Eye and chilled around town. I saw J, which was...crazy. Only one or two people know our whole fucking history, but sitting and talking to him and catching up over a plate of free rice was simply unreal. I scrawled my digits on a receipt and left, my head spinning. Mel and I dropped by S's house for a quick hug and an exchanging of smiles. Afterwards I rushed home and we promptly left for the Fashion Bug show in Durham. L. called me on the way and I chatted with him for a bit. We were supposed to chill today but it ended up falling through. :| The show went even better than expected. Fantastic, actually. Hopefully there will be some pictures online soon.
After the show I came home and was able to relax for a few hours. J called and I met up with him and A at our ancient hangout spot. I wish I could manipulate the beautiful words of the English language in a way that would do justice to the situation, but I know I can't. Something close to deja vu, yet entirely different. It was almost like visiting my former self...it made me realize how much I have changed and...improved. I am so much more secure and confident and it's simply amazing. We sipped Yuenglings and talked and lol-ed at M and T and P and a bunch of other wannabe P.O. kids. Un fucking real.

Love and light,
S-

I lifted my head from the clammy desk and my stomach reeled in protest of the slight movement. I clenched my teeth and tried to focus, but the pain was so severe that my very thoughts were muddled. I watched through filmy eyes as a disembodied hand tried to work out the problems on the sheet in front of me. The hand struggled, not knowing what to do all alone. "Math is the brain's expertise!" The brain smiled and chuckled. Suddenly the scene in front of me went black.
My body doubled over and a hand clamped over my lips. My body staggered over to the toilet and I hurled the contents of my stomach into the cold bowl. My senses went dark and the room was filled with nothing but sounds...they layered themselves in and around me, trying to invade me.
A voice asked if I could step outside and my limp body followed the reply. My body collapsed against the railing and the sun shone. The sun shone.

for dear life, we hold on

I can't fucking believe today.
:|

drugculture

i find great comfort in you

someone stole my cigarettes.
I was forced to drink my coffee without its harmful and addicting and deliciously calming counterpart this morning, and I was not happy.

It was an all right day. I was frustrated and unnecessarily snappy with a few people. :| Oops.

It's a very quiet afternoon. Out my window, the sun-coated leaves hardly quiver and everything around me seems unnaturally still.

the wind on the boat's deck is a cold hand on the neck
or slipping into our cold bed

love and light,
S-

Private

The following is very personal and was written for cathartic purposes.


There is one thing that reminds me I am not as selfish as they claim. One fatal flaw that keeps me here: my desire to please. I can't bring myself to do what I want to do so badly because of my love for those around me. As much as I want to believe everyone would be better off without me, I know they wouldn't see it that way. I find myself wishing with all my heart that I had never met those who I have come to love and those who love me. Without them, it would be so easy. So simple...I want to do it so badly. Each day my desire becomes stronger, and I feel myself losing my weak grip on the sanity I have left. I have simply no idea why those who do put up with me still do so.

Love and light,
S-

Unsettled

I could use a smoke, a strong cup of coffee, and a shoulder to lean on.

I got to see S today, who smelled like kitchens and smoke and familiarity. It was lovely.

I made lots of money working this weekend that had nothing to do with my boobs.

I'm hungry.

?
S-